Dungeons & Belchers: A Bob's Burgers Spec Script
INT. WAGSTAFF - DAY
It’s Friday afternoon. The last seconds of school tick by. Louise watches the clock, book bag on, standing on her seat, gripping the edge of her desk. The bell rings. Ms. LaBonz bars the door briefly.
LABONZ Don’t forget! Today’s the first day
for after-school programs!
Louise ducks under her legs, turns the doorknob and calls back over her shoulder.
LOUISE Yeah, for those suckers that signed
up!
She jogs down the school’s hall, pushing off Andy & Ollie’s faces for a better boost. She slides between legs and comes up next to Gene, also leaving class. Tina is the last to join, jogging from her class’ door.
LOUISE Hurry up Tina! We’ve gotta get home
to practice our act.
TINA Performance art is about reacting
in the moment.
LOUISE At the moment, I just want to make
some money! It’s art crawl for god’s sake! What else is there this weekend?
GENE I’m gonna get my best underwear
ready for some bare-skinned busking!
They round the hall’s corner and stop dead in their tracks. Seated around a table in a classroom are Jimmy Jr., Daryl, Zeke, and Henry Haber. Daryl pulls a cape out of his bag and onto his neck as the three walk up
JIMMY JR. I cast cherished memories!
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 2.
TINA Hi Jimmy Jr. Am I going to see you
at my premier performance tonight?
JIMMY JR. Your what? I don’t remember you
telling me anything.
Jimmy Jr. begins taking out various sized dice. Daryl sets up his DM’s screen. Zeke shuffles his character sheets.
TINA But, I’ve been talking about it all
week! I stood up after class today and talked about it. I even wrote you a hand-written reminder.
She takes out the note that had been taped to his desk. It’s her head on the body of the Marina Abromovic.
JIMMY JR. Ohhh... No, I can’t. I’m busy.
DARYL Well, we’ve been planning the first
meeting of the Wagstaff Wizards Club for months and nothing’s going to get in our way!
ZEKE Sorry girl, we got dragons to slay.
TINA Fine. Then how about I join.
The four boys stop in the middle of what they’re doing and look scared. Louise looks furious.
LOUISE Tina! What! We’ve got suckers to
hustle!
GENE I’m not gonna naked-cowboy for
nothing!
DARYL Uhh, you see-
JIMMY JR. No way Tina, our party’s full.
Besides, this game’s about killing beasts, not riding them. I don’t know if you could take it.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 3.
Louise slams her fist down on the table, knocking over an open can of soda.
LOUISE Slow your roll, nerd.
ZEKE It’s true! The grim Underdark is no
place for a sweet thing like Tina!
DARYL Maybe you’d prefer a tamer form of
role-playing. Maybe something with horses?
Gene snaps his fingers in a Z across his chest.
GENE Oh neigh you didn’t.
TINA
You’re damn right I prefer
something with horses. Horses make everything better. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t also slay your game.
JIMMY JR. Maybe another time then, Tina. Come
back when you’re ready to play a real man’s table-top fantasy game.
Zeke and Jimmy Jr. start to wrestle.
ZEKE C’mere you stinky sorcerer!
JIMMY JR. Not my spell books!
Notes, books, and dice go flying.
INT. BELCHER LIVING ROOM - DAY
CUT TO:
Gene is in his underwear, painting himself orange. Louise lays out clothes for herself. She’s holding a small suit with big shoulders on a hanger. The suit has a paper sign taped to the front that reads THE MAN. On the ground are a number of garbage bags with garbage taped on. Tina lays on the couch, feet in the air, head hanging down. She moans.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 4.
LOUISE Tina, come on! We’ve gotta rehearse
our act! I call it: The Aristocrats!
Louise spreads her arms wide to gesture at the garbage
TINA I can’t now, Louise. I’ve got to
show that beautiful fool how wrong he is.
LOUISE Cheer up T. After tonight, Jimmy
Jr.’s gonna beg to live in your bag. So get a move on! It’s art crawl!
TINA I’m sorry Louise, I don’t think I
can. I’m too upset to perform.
GENE Take those emotions and turn them
into fart!
TINA You mean art?
Gene presses a number of keys on his keyboard. They play a scale of farts.
GENE That too.
Tina rolls off the couch clumsily and lands on the floor. She stands to her feet. Gene’s piano farts again.
TINA You know what, you’re right.
LOUISE Uhh, T? Where you going? I thought
we were gonna perform some art right here!
TINA Not tonight, Louise. Tonight, I
write.
Bob walks in from up the stairs as Tina rushes out to her room. He’s carrying two bags of groceries.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 5.
BOB Gene, come give me a hand-
He see’s Gene, about half painted at this point. He’s used a sponge. Linda walks in from the kitchen to help him with the groceries.
BOB Why are you orange, Gene?
GENE I’m A-Gene Orange! A one-man
surf-punk semi-nude busking experience!
LOUISE And I’m angry at The Man!
LINDA Awww, our little attention
grabbers!
Bob walks out of the room backwards towards the kitchen. Linda follows.
BOB Well, have fun. Just make sure
Tina’s around to watch you.
CUT TO: SONG WITH MONTAGE OF TINA WRITING/ THE KIDS PERFORMING. SONG TITLE: NOT ALL FAERIES WEAR BOOTS
INT. TINA’S ROOM - NIGHT
She’s writing furiously in a notebook, then two notebooks, then three. Papers and books accumulate around her at a rapid pace. A loose page from Tina’s stack covers the screen. It is covered in the words like CUTE BOY GOBLIN and CENTAUR LACROSSE PLAYER over and over and highly detailed pictures of various horses.
NOTEBOOK PAPER WIPE TO:
EXT. WONDER WHARF - DAY
Tina, Louise, and Gene are outside the gates of Wonder Wharf. Gene plays music and sings, Louise dances and throws garbage at passersby. Tina writes. People stop, watch, and lay down money, but Tina doesn’t notice.
CUT TO:
INT. TINA’S ROOM - NIGHT
Louise and Gene open the door to check on Tina, whom they haven’t seen in hours. She’s asleep at her desk, face down in her books and papers. Gene and Louise drag Tina to the bed, papers and books stuck to her face. They momentarily contemplate a page of tables and charts of random boys.
END SONG/ MONTAGE CUT TO:
INT. BELCHER KITCHEN - DAY
Gene, Louise, and Bob sit around the table. Linda serves breakfast and coffee. Tina comes walking in, clutching dozens of papers awkwardly to her body.
TINA I need you all to do something for
me.
No, Tina. I’m not going to help prepare another conservative political action group for the Thundergirls. I had to get a new phone after last time. Besides, we’ve got errands to run all day.
LINDA Bob, your daughter says she needs
you. We can run errands later.
BOB (with a great sigh)
Fine. What is it.
TINA I need to become the ultimate
dungeon master.
BOB Will it take long?
TINA (she mumbles her way through)
Oh no, just a couple hours... to go over rules
BOB (through a bite of sausage)
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
6.
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 7. BOB
What?
TINA Great, let’s get down to business.
I’ve got character sheets for you all to look over.
Tina hands out pencils and papers to each of the family members.
TINA Dad, you’ll be the Wizard,
Bobolinus. Bob groans.
TINA Mom, you’ll be Large, the
Barbarian.
LINDA Ooo I love it! I’m gonna get a
flagon of wine.
Linda gets up and gets a bottle and two glasses. She pours both.
BOB Lin, it’s 11AM
LINDA I gotta get in character, Bob. See,
it even says here on my character sheet: Loves wine!
Bob groans again.
LOUISE Listen, T, I appreciate you trying
to include me, but I just don’t think this is my kind of game.
TINA I think you’ll reconsider when you
take a look at your character. Tina hands Louise her character sheet, her eyes go wide.
LOUISE Tina... I love it!
Louise takes a pencil and begins crossing things out.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 8.
LOUISE Except this is crap. And this is
bogus. No, Nope, No, woof, Tina, what were you even thinking?
TINA
Louise!
LINDA Louise, be nicer to your sister’s
weird hobby.
LOUISE Listen, if I’m gonna do this I’m
going to do it my way. I am... Master...Death-Kill, the rogue. And My steed is named Silent Destroyer. Also, he’s a cheetah.
TINA
Fine. (beat)
Gene, here’s yours. You already know your name.
GENE The title to my second album?
TINA Well played, Genodon, The Majestic.
GENE A Bard knows.
Tina smiles and looks satisfied at the confused family.
TINA From now on, I’ll be referring to
you by your character’s names. Review your sheets and get into your characters’ heads. We’ll start the game easy. I’ll tell you about the world, and you’ll tell me what you want to do.
LOUISE Geeze Tina, we all know how to play
already, OK? You think we live under a rock?
GENE Geeks are cool, where have you
been!
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 9.
BOB Even I know about it.
Linda pours herself a large glass and takes a swig.
LINDA Yeah, I even played back in the
90s.
BOB I just think it’s stupid.
The smile has faded from Tina’s face. She sits at the table and sets up her screen. She rolls some dice, and starts speaking slowly.
TINA Today has been a long day for our
adventurers. You find yourselves kneeling in front of the Lizard King Beta.
CUT TO: THE CHARACTERS, DRESSED AS THEIR FANTASY SELVES. INT. ROYAL COURT - DAY
The four characters are dressed in fine fantasy regalia for their meeting with the king in the sunny palace. Bob is in flowing purple robes with an apron as black as a moonless night. Linda is in a polar bear vest and pink panties. Genodon rests atop his faithful steed, long hair billowing down his orange vest and capris pants. Master Death Kill’s completely concealed. The king, a large iguana in king clothes and crown, speaks in Tina’s best impression of a wizened old man that’s also a lizard. He sits atop his golden throne and addresses the group.
KING BETA Fine, young, mostly fit heroes, I
implore you. Return to me my sweet Princess Yappina, the most beautiful dental damsel in the land. If you do, a great reward will be yours.
BOBOLINUS You mean like time spent not doing
this?
CUT TO:
INT. BELCHER KITCHEN - DAY
The family’s breakfast plates have been cleared and everyone sits with dice and papers out. Tina frowns
LINDA What’s wrong, Bob, why can’t you
just play?
BOB Lin, you know today is the last day
the Master Spatula Crafter is in town. I was hoping to get myself something nice this year, for once.
LINDA Aww Bobby, you don’t need some
fancy spatula, it wouldn’t suit you.
GENE Yeah dad, you’re a man of simple
spats. Gene.
BOB
LOUISE You don’t deserve nice things!
You’re a working man. BOB
Stop. Linda puts her arm around Tina, comforting her.
LINDA There’s always next Art Crawl, Bob.
Now enough spatula talk! We’ve got a missing princess to find.
Bob groans and crosses his arms.
INT. ROYAL COURT - DAY
KING BETA Thank you Large, I’ll make your
reward is greatest of all.
CUT TO:
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
10.
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 11.
Alright!
LARGE
KING BETA I fear she’s been captured by the
fierce Necromancer King, and his undead army of middle-school aged boys. If you be true of heart, stand and I shall formally bestow this royal quest on you.
Large, Genodon, and, appearing from thin air, Master Death Kill all stand to receive the King’s quest. Large looks disapprovingly at Bobolinus who proceeds to sit on the floor.
BOBOLINUS And what if I refu-ow!
INT. BELCHER KITCHEN - DAY Linda kicks Bob under the table, hard.
LINDA Bob, this is serious!
TINA No, it’s OK mom. If I’m going to be
the best Dungeon Master ever then I need to be able to make this fun even for the most unwilling player.
INT. ROYAL COURT - DAY
CUT TO:
Bobolinus has even turned away from the King at this point, he sits cross-legged and armed. The king sighs.
KING BETA Bobolinus, if that is how you truly
feel, then you don’t have to take part...
BOBOLINUS
Ha!
KING BETA However, know this! If you don’t
help your friends then their fate shall be certain death at the hands
(MORE)
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CUT TO:
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 12.
KING BETA (cont’d) of the lowliest teen-aged goblins.
Also, you’ll break my heart. Bobolinus’ face softens. He turns, stands, and sighs.
BOBOLINUS Fine. I’ll hold a master spatula
some other day.
KING BETA Excellent! Now let me tell you of
your quest...
CUT TO: FANTASY MONTAGE. TINA’S VOICE CAN BE HEARD OVER EACH SHORT SCENE AS IT PLAYS OUT
INT. FOG BOTTOM INN - NIGHT
Typical fantasy Tavern, the Group meets sits across from a shadowy figure in a hood. The hood is thrown back to reveal Teddy’s face, but with a scar over one eye and an eye patch over the other. Bobolinus chants and suddenly, vines spring out to bind fantasy Teddy.
KING BETA You’ll meet your guide to the
Necromancer’s castle at the Fog Bottom Inn.
EXT. KING’S HEAD FOREST - DAWN
WIPE TO:
Mists blanket the woods as the group walks in a strategic formation around Teddy, still bound by vines. Suddenly, they are sprung upon by handsome goblins with blond hair and varsity jackets.
KING BETA From there, you’ll travel through
the Kings Head Forest and defeat the terribly handsome teenage goblins!
WIPE TO:
EXT. BEEFO LABYRINTH/ ENTRANCE TO CASTLE MORT
The group battles an army of middle-school minotaurs, casting spells and subduing their muscled opponents. Bobolinus is incredibly uncomfortable, Master Death Kill is having too much fun offing the tweenotaurs. Genodon plays skillfully and Large swings around a butcher’s knife.
KING BETA And if you’re lucky enough to make
it through the Beefo Labyrinth and past the shirtless minotaurs, you’ll still have to make your way through the dreaded dungeons of Castle Mort!
INT. DUNGEONS OF CASTLE MORT
KNIFE WIPE TO:
THE GROUP MAKES THEIR WAY DOWN A DARK HALLWAY BY TORCHLIGHT. MASTER DEATH KILL LEADS THE WAY, STOPS THE GROUP AND PULLS A TRIP WIRE, RELEASING A GIANT BOULDER THAT ROLLS PAST HARMLESSLY. THEY ROUND THE CORNER AND SEE A LARGE ROOM WITH A SHINING GOLDEN BUTTOCKS ON A HIGH PEDESTAL. THEY ALL EXCLAIM, THEN PLAY ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS. MASTER DEATH KILL WINS, BUT POINTS AT BOBOLINUS AND THE REST START CHANTING. HE REACHES FOR IT.
KING BETA But touch not the butt of power,
for those perfect buns come with a curse unless cupped by untainted hands.
THE SCREEN GOES BLACK
KING BETA (V/O) Faretheewell, heroes!
End of Act 1 Start of Act 2 INT. BELCHER KITCHEN - DAY
The family is gathered around the kitchen table. Tina sits at the head, a set of opaque folders open in front of her. Papers, rulebooks, pencils and dice are spread around the table. The family is mid-game. They’re all moderately interested. Even Bob seems to have gotten invested, but he could just be annoyed.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
13.
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 14.
BOB
I cast fire-bolt to melt the bolt
on the lock.
TINA You can’t, you’re in jail. Magic
doesn’t work in these jails.
BOB Well, who’s fault is that, Lin?
LINDA It’s yours, Bob.
Tina coughs to clear her throat. Bob stops building a little tower out of dice.
LINDA (CONT) Oh right, Bobolinus. You touched
the Butt of Power knowing it belonged to the souls of the undead middle school boys. Tina was very clear about that.
TINA Thanks for the backup, Large.
LOUISE Let’s just leave him here. My
cheetah-steed, Silent Destroyer is getting restless and she WANTS BLOOD!
TINA Your steeds aren’t with you
Both Gene and Louise slam their fists down on the table. Bob’s dice tower collapses.
LOUISE Aw what the heck!
GENE I can’t leave Fancy Prancy by
himself! He needs to be fed every two hours or his blood-sugar levels drop!
TINA Then you’d better find a way to get
Bobolinus out of jail.
CUT TO:
INT. DUNGEONS OF CASTLE MORT
Bobolinus’s mustache twitches with anger behind the cell’s bars. Large, Genodon, and Master Death Kill stand with their hands crossed with pitying looks. Master Death Kill’s black bunny ears sway in an unseen breeze.
LARGE This is just like you, Bobolinus.
Always touching buns without thinking. Ha!
BOBOLINUS You were all egging me on!
GENODON It fit with my song!
Genodon pulls out a tiny toy piano, sits, and begins to play for Bobolinus.
GENODON (sung)
Touch that powerful boo-ty It’s your most sacred du-ty Though the butt’s under-age Our lives it’ll save
Then from here we can scoo-ty!
MASTER DEATH KILL Enough of this tomfoolery! Who do I
have to shank to release the wizard? Large! Break the door down.
BOBOLINUS Wait, she can do that? Why haven’t
you been doing that the whole time!
TINA I don’t know. Large, can you?
LARGE I place both hands on the bars and
pull.
GENODON Release the beast!
TINA Roll and add your strength.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
15.
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 16.
LARGE Alright, 15! Do I pass?
TINA You don’t pass.
MASTER DEATH KILL What good is having a barbarian
around if you can’t use her to break a wizard out of jail once in a while?
TINA The cell’s bars don’t budge and
your painful struggles alert a couple passing guards to your presence.
MASTER DEATH KILL I conceal myself and ready my body
for a sneak attack! Don’t worry, Bobolinus, I’ll protect you even if you’re a pedophile. We all know what’ll happen if you stay in prison.
BOBOLINUS I’m not a pedophile!
GENODON You just touched the wrong butt, we
hear it all the time.
BOBOLINUS Tina, you’ve got to get them to
stop calling me a pedophile.
TINA No can do, Bobolinus. You did the
crime, now you do the time. By the way, a guard just arrived and you’re all clearly trying to break Bobolinus out of his jail. I think he’ll raise the alarm...
A guard version of Jimmy Jr. enters the room in ill-fitting armor, holding a spear.
GUARD JIMMY JR. Halt! That man’s in jail because
he’s really gross! Step away from the wizard!
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 17.
TINA Do you listen to the jailer with
the cute butt?
INT. BELCHER KITCHEN - DAY Bob frowns.
BOB Tina, does he have to have a cute
CUT TO:
butt? What?
TINA
BOB I mean, can’t he just be a jailer
that wants to keep me in jail for...
(sighs) being gross?
Bob face palms. Tina is unfazed.
TINA Yeah, he is, but he also has a cute
butt. It’s one of his character features. It makes him more dynamic and real to you, my players.
BOB It just takes me out of the
experience when every other character is a young boy with a unique and special butt.
TINA It’s called world building, dad.
You just don’t get it.
Tina flicks her hair. Bob crosses his legs. Louise draws a violent picture of Master Death Kill. Gene looks for more snacks but everything’s gone.
BOB I get it.
TINA Let’s get back to the game
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 18.
BOB I just think there are other body
parts.
TINA The jailer with the extra cute butt
approaches you with his sword drawn.
GENE Is he Brazilian?
TINA
No.
GENE What good is a sword if it doesn’t
have meat on it?
LINDA Oh! I use deception.
TINA Deceive me.
Linda’s wine sloshes as she thinks about her words.
LINDA I turn to the jailer with the
pinchable tuchas and I say...
INT. DUNGEONS OF CASTLE MORT
CUT TO:
Large pulls herself up to look as official as possible. Master Death Kill remains hiding behind the door frame. Genodon begins to take instruments off his back and Bobolinus sulks in the corner.
LARGE Where’s your manager!
Jimmy Jr looks surprised, then excited. Large puts her hands on her hips.
GUARD JIMMY JR. Are you the new Director of
Torture?
LARGE Ahh, yeah! You got it. Here to
direct some torturing.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 19.
GUARD JIMMY JR. Finally, someone experienced around
here. Ever since the previous torture czar retired, things have been so chaotic.
LARGE Well don’t worry, that’s why I was
called in. Gonna introduce some really innovative techniques. How bout you open the door and I show you on this perv?
BOBOLINUS
Hey!
TINA Roll, Large.
LARGE 18! Large and in charge.
GENODON I start a gentle drum solo. This
beat down needs a beat!
TINA The jailer begins to unlock
Bobolinus’ cell.
GENODON I move into the Amen-break.
His drum playing gets more complex, Master Death Kill crouches.
TINA The what?
GENODON Ask Wikipedia!
MASTER DEATH KILL And I jump out of the shadows for a
sneak attack!
TINA You surprise the jailer’s cheeks as
both hands meet their mark-
MASTER DEATH KILL To be clear, I’m slapping his face.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 20.
TINA Dealing 18 damage. The jailer is
unconscious from getting his cheeks slapped.
LARGE Look alive, Bobolinus. We’ve got
the keys and we’re getting you out of there.
BOBOLINUS Yes, finally! Get me out of here so
we can finish this stupid game.
INT. BELCHER KITCHEN - DAY
CUT TO:
Tina looks angry and tired. Bob is barely paying attention choosing to focus more on his new, impressively large dice tower. Linda looks very disappointed. Gene and Louise’ drawings have combined forces.
TINA Dammit, dad, you’ve been
uncooperative all day. What the heck’s your deal, man?
Bob looks up from his dice tower at his seething daughter. He’s surprised by Tina’s outburst.
BOB I mean, I just... I think it’s
dumb. Doesn’t everyone? One by one, the family reluctantly agrees.
LINDA It’s good sweetie! It’s like
acting, if a play was narrated at you. At least there’s wine!
LOUISE And the game just doesn’t stop!
GENE Like a college improv show.
BOB Also, it’s pretty clear I’m a
paladin, not a wizard.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 21.
TINA And none of you like my DMing?
BOB A little too... erotic for my
taste.
GENE Tastes good to me!
Tina’s anger breaks into sadness. She wails and runs to her room leaving the family at the table.
LOUISE Looks like T’s had a good first
run. Jimmy Jr. won’t know what hit him.
BOB She’s using us as practice for him?
LINDA Way to go, Bob. You can’t support
your little girl cause she made you a cleric?
BOB You thought it was dumb, too! And
I’m clearly a paladin, not a cleric, or a wizard!
GENE Yeah! Dad’s strength comes from
meaty justice, not his food knowledge or beef faith!
End of Act 2
Act 3
INT. BELCHER KITCHEN - DAY
Louise and Gene flick dice at one another. Linda stands over Bob, who sits slumped in his chair, arms at his side.
BOB I just wanted a spatula!
LOUISE You were real enthusiastic
today, dad.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 22.
GENE At least you take more of an
interest in me than these spatulas. (a beat)
Oh god, you don’t!
BOB None of you get it! This was the
Master Spatula Crafter. This is a man who only crafts four spatulas a year! They’re works of art. All I wanted to do today was hold one.
LINDA Yeah, and you were so hung up on
your fancy spatula, you didn’t even see that you were stomping all over Tina’s spatula.
Bob sits forward, confused and intrigued. BOB
What?
GENE I think she’s talking about your
ding-dong.
BOB No, Gene.
(he suddenly gets it) Linda, you’re right. I was too hung up on that dumb spatula. I have to go say something.
Bob gets up and starts walking towards the door.
LINDA Better do it quick. Tomorrow’s
school and it’s getting late. We’ve already been here for 9 hours and I don’t know how much more I can take.
LOUISE Just put us out of our misery!
GENE End our suffering, you monster!
BOB Fine! I’m going! And when I get
back we’re going to save the crap out of that princess!
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 23.
Linda raises another full glass of wine to toast. LINDA
Alright!
INT. TINA’S ROOM
CUT TO:
Tina is laying face down on her bed, crying into books and stacks of papers. The floor is carpeted with papers, the walls are covered in charts and drawings. Bob opens the door.
BOB
Tina?
He takes a look around the room and nearly backs out. He takes a deep breath and walks in.
BOB Honey, I’m sorry I was such a pain.
He sits on the edge of the bed. Tina responds through sobs.
TINA If I can’t make it fun for you,
then how can I expect Jimmy Jr to like it?
BOB Just because I was a bad player
doesn’t mean you were a bad dungeon master.
TINA But I need to be the ultimate
dungeon master to capture his heart!
She collapses face first onto her bed again. Bob puts a hand on her back.
BOB You’ve really gone overboard with
this to impress him, huh?
Tina nods into her books, raises her head, wipes away a tear, and blows into a paper.
BOB Then he’s going to love it. You put
so much work into this, there’s no (MORE)
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 24.
BOB (cont’d) way he can’t. And if he doesn’t,
then he’s an even dumber idiot than me.
TINA You mean it?
BOB Yeah I mean it. Now let’s go save
the princess. He hugs her and they walk towards the door.
INT. BELCHER KITCHEN - DAY
CUT TO:
The whole family is seated once again. Tina looks happy and Bob is engaged. Louise and Gene’s sheets cover the refrigerator in medieval tapestry-esque patterns depicting their adventures and tribulations.
TINA You have the butt of power, and
you’ve gotten Bobolinus out of jail. You’re in the heart of Castle Mort, what will you do?
INT. DUNGEONS OF CASTLE MORT
CUT TO:
The group is moving through the castle’s hallways, fighting zombie basketball players and Jimmy Jr. Guards.
BOBOLINUS We’re going right for the tallest
tower to rescue the princess! GENODON
Are we?
BOBOLINUS (mid spell cast)
Yes! That’s been our mission all along!
GENODON I mean, fine, OK, just don’t go
deciding for the group next time. It’s rude.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 25.
LARGE (swinging her over-sized knife)
Yeah, Bobolinus. How about you let the group have a little input next time.
MASTER DEATH KILL Yeah maybe we have important
information that could be crucial to the success of our quest?
BOBOLINUS You do? Well? Tell us what you know
so we can finish this!
MASTER DEATH KILL I’ll tell you if you let the group
do some deciding for once!
Master Death Kill jumps from zombie to zombie, dealing damage. Genodon’s fingers fly on his keyboard and magical music comes forth. Bobolinus casts spell after spell. They move forward slowly; the horde of middle school zombies is unrelenting.
BOBOLINUS Fine! What does everyone want to
do?
LARGE Rescue the princess in the tallest
tower, duh.
GENODON Yeah, that seemed pretty obvious,
Bobolinus.
MASTER DEATH KILL Captain obvious over here!
BOBOLINUS Fine! At least share what you know
with the group!
MASTER DEATH KILL I know the princess is in the
tallest tower! Genodon makes a fart noise.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 26.
TINA Suddenly, everything starts to go
dark and the zombies retreat for a moment. From out of the void steps the Necromancer King From a purple portal steps a daunting figure with a skull mask and scepter made from bones. He brings a pale white hand to the mask and lifts it up. It’s Mort.
NECROMANCER KING MORT You fools! Nothing will stop my
immortal army of middle school boys! Soon I will rule the world!
BOBOLINUS We’ve got to stop him!
LARGE There’s no way, we’re not powerful
enough!
GENODON We can barely match up against
zombie tweens, I dont think we’ll do much better against a necromancer!
MASTER DEATH KILL Just give me one good shot...
BOBOLINUS We’ve got to try. This is when we
become heroes! I cast fireball!
TINA Bobolinus conjures a massive
fireball and hurls it at Mort. He brushes it off, harmlessly. He lifts a palm and shoots a purple beam of energy at Bobolinus. Bob is knocked against the back wall and struggles to get back up.
LARGE See, I told you Bobolinus. We’re no
match for this guy. Better just ask him if we can have the princess back than to try and stop him.
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 27.
BOBOLINUS (still struggling to stand)
Ask him! Like he’d just let us take her back?
NECROMANCER KING MORT (lifts his skull mask to speak)
Did you say you want to take back the princess?
GENODON Yeah, or else my I’ll have to
rewrite the end of my epic poem!
NECROMANCER KING MORT Well why didn’t you say so!
The Necromancer King conjures a chair made entirely of body parts. A middle school zombie brings him a drink.
NECROMANCER KING MORT I can’t stand her! Ugh, get her off
my hands and out of my house!
MASTER DEATH KILL For a price...
NECROMANCER KING MORT Yes! Anything, just as long as you
take her! Sucker!
MASTER DEATH KILL
NECROMANCER KING MORT You don’t get it, I’ve been trying
to get her to leave for weeks! I’ll double your reward if you can get her out of my rec-room.
GENODON You have a rec room!
NECROMANCER KING MORT With a reversible Foosball/ ping
pong table and shuffleboard!
MASTER DEATH KILL Looks like you got some new guests!
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 28.
GENODON Dibs on the Foosball! No! The ping
pong!
LARGE Oooo they’ve got a martini mixer!
Bobolinus hobbles to his feet and past the Necromancer King into the rec-room.
BOBOLINUS Hey this is pretty nice.
INT. WAGSTAFF - DAY
FADE OUT
Tina, Gene, and Louise enter Wagstaff and walk towards their class. Along the way, Tina spies Daryl, near a wrestling Jimmy Jr. & Zeke. They bump into passing kids. Daryl looks exasperated.
TINA Oh hi Jimmy Jr. Zeke. Daryl.
Jimmy Jr. and Zeke ignore her. Daryl barely acknowledges her.
DARYL Hi Tina. have a good weekend? I
heard Gene and Louise have been permanently banned from art crawl.
TINA Yeah, it’s been an intense weekend.
How was the first meeting of the Wagstaff Wizards Club?
DARYL Terrible. They went into the
nearest tavern and proceeded to wrestle every patron and then each other. We didn’t do any of the things I had planned to do, and then they got bored when I couldn’t make more characters for them to wrestle. I think it’s going to be our last meeting.
TINA Well, it’s not easy being a dungeon
master. How about next time, I take the reins?
(CONTINUED) Dungeons & Belchers
CONTINUED: Bob’s Burgers 29.
DARYL Probably not. Funding for after
school funding was cut, so that’s really going to be our last meeting.
TINA Oh. Guess I’ll have to find a new
way to put Jimmy Jr. in my dungeon. Ha. Ha. Right?
She goes to say something to Daryl, but he’s already walking away. Zeke and Jimmy Jr. are gone as well. Tina is left alone in the hallway. Tina frowns.
End of episode